funnies.

Subject: Re: funnies. Fri Jul 11, 2008 3:38 pm

yukky....

Subject: Re: funnies. Fri Jul 11, 2008 3:38 pm

There are two carp anglers sitting outside their bivvies having a chat
and a cup of tea when a funeral procession passes by on the road past
the lake.

One angler stands up, removes his camo baseball cap
holds it to his chest and bows his head until the funeral has passed
then he sits back down to continue fishing.

"That was very respectfull of you" says the second angler.

"Well it was the least i could do really" said the first angler.

"We'd been married for 25 years".

Subject: Re: funnies. Fri Jul 11, 2008 3:41 pm

An O'irish Story..

An Irishman goes to the Doctor with botty problems....

"Dactor, it's me ahrse. I'd loik ya at teyhk a look, if ya woot."

So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look.

"Incredible"he says, "there is a £20 note lodged up here."

Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, and then a £10 pound note appears.

"This is amazing!"exclaims the Doctor. ''What do you want me to do?"

"Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out, man! "shrieks the patient.

The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another and another and another, etc.....

Finally the last note comes out and no more appear.

"Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's moch batter. Just out of interest, how moch was in dare den?"

The Doctor counts the pile of cash and says "£1,990 exactly."

"Ah, dat'd be roit,'' says the Irishman

(Wait for it...........scroll down.)
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"I knew I wasn't feeling two grand.."

Subject: Re: funnies. Fri Jul 11, 2008 3:43 pm

tis da way yer tell em paul... pmsl

Subject: Re: funnies. Fri Jul 11, 2008 3:47 pm

On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his Mercedes Benz into a gas station in a remote part of the island.

The attendant at the pump greets him in a typical Irish manner, completely unaware of who the golf pro is.

"Top of the Morning” says the attendant.

Tiger nods a quick “hello” and bends forward to pick up the nozzle.

As he does so, two tees fall out out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.

“What are dey den, son?” asks the attendant.

“They’re called tees” replies Tiger.

“Well, what on de good earth are dey for?” inquires the Irish man.

“They’re for resting my balls on when I’m driving” says Tiger.

“Freeckin Jaysus” says the Irish man, “Dem boys at Mercedes tink of everything”.

Subject: Re: funnies. Fri Jul 11, 2008 3:49 pm

1. Two blondes walk into a building ... you'd think at least one of
them would have seen it.

2. Phone answering machine message ... 'If you want to buy
mariju*na, press the hash key.'

3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only clingfilm for
shorts.The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.'

4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I
couldn't find any.

5. I went to the butcher's the other day and I bet him 50 quid that
he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, 'No, the steaks are too high.'

7. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled
him in.

8. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He
shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!' The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off.'

9. I went to a seafood disco last week ... and pulled a muscle.

10. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in
the craft and it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

11. Our ice-cream man was found lying on the floor of his van
covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

12. A man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his
head. The doctor says, 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'

13. 'Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home.'
'That's the Tom Jones syndrome.' 'Is it common?' 'It's not unusual.'

14. A man takes his Rotweiller to the vet. 'My dog's cross-eyed, is
there
anything you can do for him?' 'Well,' says the vet, 'let's have a look
at him.' So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his
teeth. Finally, he says,'I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What,
because he's cross-eyed?' 'No,because he's really heavy.'

15. A guy goes into the doctor's. 'Doc, I've got a cricket ball
stuck up my backside.' 'How's that?' 'Don't you start!'

16. Two elephants walk off a cliff ... boom, boom!

17. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

18. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me, 'Can
you give me a lift?' I said, 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster,go for it.'

19. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5
people
in my family, so it must be one of them. It's not me so it's either my
Mum or my Dad, my older brother Colin or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.
I think it's Colin.

20. Two fat blokes in a pub. One says to the other, 'Your round.'
The other one says, 'So are you, you fat git!'

21. Police arrested two kids yesterday. One was drinking battery
acid and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

22. You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving
today. They left a little note on my windscreen which said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.

23. A man walked into the doctor ' and said, 'I've hurt my arm in
several places.' The doctor said, 'Well don't go there anymore.'

24.
Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small
two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and
rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number
to rise as digging continues into the night.

Subject: Re: funnies. Fri Jul 11, 2008 4:01 pm

Subject: Re: funnies. Sun Jul 13, 2008 6:37 am

nice one Paul

Subject: Re: funnies. Thu Jul 17, 2008 3:30 pm

A
biker was riding on a highway along a California beach when suddenly
the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said:
'Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant
you One wish.'

The biker pulled over and said: 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.'

The
Lord said, 'Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous
challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required would
reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take!
It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it
is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little
more time and think of something that would honour and glorify me.'

The
biker thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, 'Lord, I wish
that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside,
what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she
cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make
a woman truly happy.'

The Lord replied, 'You want two lanes or four on that bridge?'

Subject: Re: funnies. Sun Jul 20, 2008 12:16 pm

Wife moaning to husband " you never take me anywhere expensive anymore"

"get your coat on " he say's.

"where are you taking me"??

to the effing petrol station... he replies. Laughing

Subject: Re: funnies. Mon Jul 21, 2008 3:19 pm

A man doing shopping realises that a blonde is looking at him and waving.

He say's " I'm sorry, but do I know you" ??

she replies " I think you are the dad of one of my kids"

The man casts his mind back, and can only remember one time he was unfaithful...

he say's " are you the stripper from my stag night, that I had over the snooker table "??

The blonde smiles and say's " no i'm your sons teacher" !!