funnies.

hubby says to wife.
good my Olympic condons have arrived.... think i'll wear gold tonight.


wife says: why dont you wear silver and come second for a change?? lol

this poem was written by an african child, and so very true..

when I born I black.

when I grow up I black.

when I go in sun I black.

when I scared I black.

when I sick I black.

when I die I still black.



but you white fella...


when you born you pink.

when you grow up you white.

when you go in sun you red.

when you cold you blue.

when you sick you green.

when you die you grey

and you call me coloured?? lol

nice one ac

polish immigrant goes for an eyetest, the Optician shows him the card with the letters CZWIX NOSTACZ, and say's can you read that??




read it?? he say's, I know the sod!!

man sees an advert in a pet shop, talking centipede £500. he buy's it, takes it homein a box and after about thrity minutes opens the box and asks if it would like to go for a pint??


the centipede does not answer, raising his voice the man repeats the question, no answer....


getting angry, thinking he has been done shouts the question, at which the centipede sticks his head out of the box and says, I heard you the first time, i'm putting my flipping shoes on !!

a bride on her wedding night say's to her husband " I have a confession darling""

" I used to be a hooker"

the husband say's " that's okay dear, your past is your past, but I must admit I do find it erotic, tell me more"

The wife starts the story " it was about five years ago............










































my name was nigel and I played for Northampton ".............. !!

The Indian Chief proclaims, 'So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honor of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests.
What is your first request?'
The Lone Ranger responds, 'I'd like to speak to my horse.'
The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear and the horse gallops away. Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blond woman on his back.
As the Indian Chief watches, the blond enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.
The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. 'You have a very fine and loyal horse but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?'
The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon.
Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a brunette, even more attractive than the blond. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.
The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. 'You are indeed a man of many talents but I still kill you tomorrow. 'What is your last request?'
The Lone Ranger responds, 'I'd like to speak to my horse....alone. '
The Chief is curious but he agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.
Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says, 'Listen very carefully you dumb ass horse. For the last time - BRING POSSEEEE'

pmsl claire

Five Surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon, from New York , says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second, from Chicago , responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon, from Dallas , says, "No, I really think Librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers......those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over."

But the fifth surgeon, from Washington DC , shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on.......
There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the ass are interchangeable."

that ones even better lol

The following is the transcript of an actual radio conversation in October 1995, between a US Navy ship and the British Authorities off the north coast of Scotland The transcript was released by the MOD on 10/10.95.

BRITISH: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid collision.

US Navy: Recomend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the north to avoid collision.

BRITISH: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid collision.

US NAVY: This is the Captain of USS Lincoln. I say again, divert YOUR course.

BRITISH: Negative I say again, divert your course.

US Navy: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN THE SECOND, LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS, DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S 15 DEGREES NORTH OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

BRITISH: We are a lighthouse. Now F##k off

3 ducks go into a bar and the barman who they are?
The 1st duck says I'm Huey and I've had a day in and out of puddles all day.
2nd duck says I'm Duey and I've been in and out of puddles all day too.
So the barman says to the 3rd duck, so I suppose you are Louie.
No she said.....My name is Puddles.

classics Clair, hadn't heard either of them before.

tr and claire

Nice one TR, wish i could remember jokes.

A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire.

Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company.
In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires."
The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The lawyer sued.. and WON!


(Stay with me.)



Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous.
The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire" and was obliged to pay the claim!

Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars lost in the "fires".

NOW, FOR THE BEST PART..

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!
With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

This is a true story and was the First Place winner in the recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest!

A scouser walks into a job centre and tells the assistant "I'm a hard working honest guy and I'm desperate for a job"
The assistant replies "That is very fortunate for you my friend,we have just had a client desperately seeking a chauffer for a millionaire.The job involves looking after his twin nympho daughters whilst he is on overseas trips.The job comes with a salary of 200k per annum and you can start sraight away".
The scouser replies "That sounds too good to be true,you sure you aint having me on?"

The assistant replies "Well you started it"

tr

the labour party have today changed their emblem from a rose to a condom,
as it more accurately reflects the governments stance,
a condom allows for inflation,halts production,destroys the next generation and gives you a sense of security while you are being screwed.
bout right methinks

very true paul,

Excellent all of em

blimey,that came out a bit small !!!

dont mind that paul..... lol those are flipping funny